310509 The Hairy Angel

Place: friend’s flat, brick lane, London
Time: early morning, as in Britney/Sean Paul
Costume: thai yuppie/birthday suit


‘I ate too many crisps. And fucked the hairy angel.’

The exact text I sent my former leader. Erm, that came out wrong. The cool pop star I know, last seen drinking cider on the floor of my friend’s studio in brick lane at 6am this morning.

‘Ha! Knew you would! Good reports I hope!’

She’d do right to exclaim. Good reports?

‘Well, feel like a bitch as didn’t really like him just needed servicing.’

I can be charming at times, y’know.

I’m beyond help, I really bloody am. There’s everyone else, procrastinating over do I don’t I’s, and my rule is – if he gets in yer bed there’s trouble, but don’t say no. Oh, fucking perfect that is. Although, as my friend agrees, isn’t it fun having sex with people you don’t care about? (shut your eyes).

Didn’t even notice the bugger, just vaguely remember thinking he was a bit normal and boring. Not when he jumps out at me from the bathroom door. Physically repelled, we laid down together. Apparently, he had a feeling this would happen. Yes, how bloody predictable. Apparently, he reckoned we could have done that all day too. Oh just leave will you?

How many hints? I washed up, said my friend was coming back soon, tidied up, locked the back door and more or less put a gun to his head, but still it took hours for him to come up with the amazing concept that he should go.

Last week’s dream that I was heavily humping Declan Donnelly didn’t help – I knew it was time for a pre-summer-spurt hump, and it may as well be with a willing candidate.

Aren’t I heartless?

Not as heartless as when I realised I was rolling my eyes at his moves – whilst he was enpassioning himself t’wards me. Not as heartless as when his dirty talk made me laugh inside, then I realised I had to answer. Not as heartless as when he quite obviously let one off whilst still inside me.

His voice did sound exactly like the beatboxer Shlomo though, which you’d have thought would add sex appeal, but unfortunately he is also a rich boy from the suburbs. Where?

At least he had a good old go at it. He reports back I have a lot of stamina. That’s easy when you’re not bothering to move much though, isn’t it? Had to restrain myself from answering back,

‘Got to get it where you can’.

You’ve got to though, haven’t you? Anyway, one positive but absurd thing came out of it. Here’s a clue:

I’ve been smoking weed, and fancy something sweet
I open up my fridge, and all there is is meat
And then I jizzed, in my pants

Youtube it. Go on! X